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behavior over time, and the child’s own experience side by side. The aim of this article is to find the real reason and choose one fitting step, not to get the child to give the answer we want. In this piece, as a coach with experience in Canada, I look at a child’s choice. For me, a good program needs both quality teaching and a place where the athlete’s voice is heard. A championship goal can be valuable, but we need to understand how the child themselves relates to it.
What do we want from this conversation?
This article is for parents and coaches of children and teens in all three weapons. Its subject is the motivation to keep doing the sport, not readiness for a particular competition. Some teens want serious competition; others enjoy learning, friends, and physical activity. Both can have a meaningful path, as long as the program matches what they want and need.
Four situations that look alike
Not liking the sport itself, temporary tiredness, a problem in the club environment, and fear of results can all be expressed with the same sentence: “I don’t want to go.” A single response to all four isn’t accurate. Someone who’s upset about a relationship with a training partner may get excited again once the situation changes; someone tired of the training volume may need recovery. Drawing conclusions from one hard day is hasty.
The American Academy of Pediatrics’ guide stresses enjoyment, choice, and balance in teen sports [1]. I turn that principle into a practical question: “If nobody was going to be happy or upset about your results, how would you want to continue fencing?” That’s a suggested line for conversation, not a quote from any particular athlete.
A conversation that gets a real answer
At a calm time, ask: Which part of the session do you like most? What makes you not want to go? If you could change one thing, what would it be? After the answer, don’t immediately defend or try to persuade. A child needs to know their answer won’t lead to blame, sarcasm about the costs, or comparison with others.
Teaching scenario
An épée teen says they’re tired of fencing, but joins partner games with interest and only avoids official competitions. It’s still too early to say the problem is the sport itself. With their consent, the coach spends some time focusing on tactical games and skill goals, then talks with them about their experience. If the upset comes from someone’s inappropriate behavior in the environment, that issue has to be dealt with first.
A two-week trial with limited choice
Instead of a final decision at the peak of the upset, agree with the teen on a short period; of course, a trial in an unsafe environment isn’t appropriate. They choose between two equally good goals: for example, improving distance control or recognizing the timing of an attack. The coach is still responsible for designing practice safely, but the athlete has a share in the learning path. Before and after each session, log three short notes: how much they wanted to attend, the enjoyable part, and what caused upset. At the end of the period, look at the patterns: is the problem only on competition days? Does it happen with a particular group or coach? Do school tiredness and sleep play a part? This sheet isn’t a diagnostic test and shouldn’t be used against the child.
Possible decisions and how they differ
If the interest is still there but the pressure has grown, reducing competition or changing the training load can be considered. If the environment is wrong, changing the environment or dealing with the problem behavior comes first. If, after a chance to talk and try things, the teen prefers a different activity, a respectful transition can be planned. Leaving one path isn’t necessarily a parenting failure. At the same time, not every short-term difficulty should lead to quitting right away. The key difference is shared agreement and understanding: you can agree on the end of a short period without the child feeling forced to stay to make up for costs or to save the family’s face. In my view, a commitment is meaningful when the athlete’s voice is part of it too.
A smile on the podium doesn’t answer every question
A child can be happy while receiving a medal and at the same time upset about some parts of the journey. They might not get a medal and still eagerly plan for the next session. To understand interest, ordinary moments matter: when there’s no result involved, what do they talk about? Do they enjoy learning a new move? Do they ask questions? None of these signs alone is a final verdict, but together with conversation they paint a more accurate picture. As a coach, I don’t want to measure a child’s interest only by how regularly they show up. Some children come regularly so as not to upset adults, and some are keen but struggle with time management. If we attribute everything to motivation, the real problem may go unseen. First look at life circumstances, the club experience, and the child’s own preference separately; then decide about continuing.
Questions that don’t decide the answer in advance
“You love fencing a lot, right?” is more an invitation to agree than a question. A more open version is: if next week’s plan were up to you, which part would you keep and which would you change? For a younger child, you can ask them to draw or name the three parts of a session. The conversation doesn’t need to turn into a formal interview; a few minutes of real attention is enough.
After the answer, briefly say back what you understood to make sure you got it right. If they say they don’t like competitions, don’t immediately translate that into not liking the sport. Ask which part of competition is hard: the long wait, an unfamiliar opponent, the noise in the hall, or worry about results? Each might call for a different change in the plan, and none of them is solved with “you have to be strong.”
How broad should the choice be?
For a child, a limited, meaningful choice is usually easier to grasp than the huge question “Do you want to be an athlete or not?” A coach can propose two safe drills with a clear teaching aim and let them pick the order. An older teen can have a bigger role in setting goals for the next few weeks. Responsibility for safety and teaching quality still stays with the coach; choice doesn’t mean abandoning the program. In an épée practice, a player can choose to work first on distance control or on seeing the blade’s reaction. Both drills relate to decision-making, but they create a sense of participation. After the session, ask how their choice helped and whether they’d pick the same next time. If the choice is only for show and every answer leads to a decision already made, trust in the conversation shrinks.
Loving a sport isn’t the same as loving every drill
No athlete has to enjoy every part of practice equally. Some activities are hard and their results aren’t immediately visible. A coach should explain their purpose in understandable language and keep their volume reasonable. For example, precise footwork can look boring; once it’s connected to a situation where the player loses distance, it takes on a clearer meaning. Still, not every bout of boredom should be brushed off by pointing to the need for practice. If a child waits a long time, gets little chance to take part, or is always given tasks beyond their ability, the session design needs a look. My question is whether the difficulty helps learning or just demands endurance. A program that sees differences in level and age gives more chance for real experiences of success.
Find the hidden pressure at home
Sometimes nobody threatens the child, but every conversation at home is about medals and rankings. Victory photos get more attention, and ordinary practice days have nothing to talk about. A child may come to feel that the value of their sports experience is only seen at moments of success. Create balance: be curious about what they’ve learned, their friendships, and their decisions too, without asking for a daily report. Talk about cost clearly and respectfully, too. A family has a right to a budget limit; but adults’ financial choices shouldn’t turn into a debt of results for the child. You can say, this season we can afford to travel to two events, and we’ll pick the best ones with the coach. An explanation like that is responsible and far from a sentence like “you have to pay back the costs with a medal.”
What if they decide to change direction?
First find out whether they mean stopping competing, cutting down on sessions, changing clubs, or leaving the sport. These are different decisions. Maybe a lighter form of participation is what they want. If their interest in another activity is lasting, you can plan a respectful end to one chapter and the start of a new experience. Keeping a good relationship with sport is a worthwhile goal even if the championship path doesn’t continue. In the two-week review, instead of asking “So, have you finally decided?” put the findings side by side: what got better, what stayed the same, and what’s the next step? Make the decision together
with the child, to the extent their age allows. It’s important for them to know that having their voice heard doesn’t depend on picking the answer the adults want. From this experience they can learn decision-making, realistic commitment, and expressing their own needs. The American Academy of Pediatrics’ guide to sports readiness reminds us that children differ in growth and readiness [2]. So don’t treat interest, current ability, and readiness to compete as one thing; a child may love the sport and still want a lighter competitive program.
Frequently asked questions
Is it enough if they only come because of their friends? Social connection can be a valid motivation; not everyone has to start out with a championship goal. Should we ask them to promise never to quit? No. A limited agreement that can be revisited and fits their age is more workable than an open-ended commitment. What if they change their mind every week? Calmly log what stays the same and what changes, and set a specific time for a review. Day-to-day decisions made under emotional pressure usually don’t give a clear picture.
Wrap-up and next step
Now, instead of guessing at your child’s interest, you can gather real information about it. This week, try one judgment-free conversation and one small change. Hearing your child’s voice lets you decide about continuing with more awareness. If tiredness plays a part, read the article on training and recovery.
Sources and further reading
[1] AAP: Burnout in Young Athletes [2] AAP: Is Your Child Ready for Sports?
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